How To Iron Your Underwear (a short story)

It is important for every person to master the art of ironing underwear, especially if anyone in the family has sensitive skin. Lumps and bumps in intimate places will cause discomfort and chaffing. When learning this art, it is wise to start with the easiest items and build up confidence before tackling more complicated frills and lace.

DISCLAIMER - IRONING CAN BE DANGEROUS. THE AUTHOR OF THIS ARTICLE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ACCIDENTS, FATAL OR OTHERWISE.

Socks are the easiest item of underwear to iron, so start with those.

Here is how:

1. Make sure to place the iron on the correct setting. NB: Wool socks will smell of burnt hair if the iron is too hot, and nylon socks will melt into a hard lump emitting a smell that may induce nausea and vomiting. You may pass out if the fumes are inhaled.

2. Lay both socks flat on the ironing board.

3. Pass the iron over each sock once only. Be careful to limit the time spent on the toe area, especially if ironing your husband’s socks. Detergents are not always as effective as manufacturers claim and inhalation of these fumes will definitely make you pass out.

Ironing underpants takes skill and practice to perfect. For instance, ladies undergarments can be made of a mixture of fabrics, causing confusion to the inexperienced ironer. It is possible to have silk for the main garment (you wish), cotton for the gusset, and nylon frills, not forgetting rubber in the elastic. If the iron is set at cotton and you accidentally touch an edging of nylon lace, melting will occur, with the same dire consequences as above. If the iron is set too low, the cotton part to the undergarment will remain wrinkled, causing discomfort to those of a sensitive nature.


“Mum! I’m hungry! When is it lunchtime? Is it okay if I have some ice cream and a chocolate fudge brownie and a couple of pastries while I wait?”

Sally’s fingers rattled across the keyboard:

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“Mum! I have football practice in fifteen minutes, and Dad says he’s busy so you will have to take me there.”

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“Mum watch out, there’s a cyclist crossing the junction up ahead and he has right of way. Oh, phew, you missed him. Funny though, a whole pile of cars have just smashed into each other on that junction. They couldn’t have been looking where they were going. Oh good, here we are at the football ground and only ten minutes late.”

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“Mum! That boy kicked me and I’ve hurt my leg. Mum I think it might be broken. I need an ambulance. I need to go to the emergency room. Take me to hospital.”

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“Mum, Mum! This time it’s really bad. I fell over and someone kicked me in the ribs. They did it on purpose, and I’m sure something is broken this time.”

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“By the way Mum, there’s an extra practice tomorrow because we’re though to the School Championship Finals. So I said you wouldn’t mind washing everybody’s kit for tomorrow. ”

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“Honey, the cat’s just been sick on the bedroom carpet, and I have to dash as I’m already late for my golf.”

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“Mum, mum!”

“Mum?”

“Ah, here you are. Mum, I need this apple cut up.”

“But Mum, I need you to help me with my Spanish homework and that’s more important.”

“No it’s not, I’m hungry.”

“Mum?”

“Why is she ignoring us?”
“I think she’s asleep.”

“Look she’s twitching; I wonder what she’s dreaming about?”

“Oh, look the keys on her computer are moving all by themselves – and there’s a message appearing on the screen.”

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I would like to thank Theredrocket for the photo of extreme ironing, and my husband for alerting me to the sport. I would also like to make clear that no socks were hurt in the preparation of this hub and that my husband cleans up more cat-sick than I do.