How To Use The Best Self-Help Techniques In The World To Beat Yourself

Self-help is a growing industry. The world is awash with books, web-sites and articles that can help improve your quality of life and emotional well-being. There are gurus of old and new religions, motivational speakers, teachers, psychologists, instructors and coaches all ready to guide you to emotional and physical well-being.

Many of these teachers have methods that they developed themselves, sometimes after a life-changing crisis or event that brought them deep insight into the human condition. A few of them make fraudulent claims, but that’s not the main scope of this hub. Suffice to say that if any guru tells you their way is the only way, run a mile in the opposite direction.

This article is the first in a series on personal development. My reason for writing it is simple – no matter which technique you use it can improve your quality of life enormously, or you could also use it to beat yourself instead. Unless your method came to you in blinding flash of insight you are following someone else’s plan, and so interpreting what they say. That means that misinterpretations can happen and frequently do. This article outlines several pitfalls you might stumble into, and suggestions for how to avoid them.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Don’t believe them. At least not blindly and, instead, test it for yourself.

Lester Levenson, the man who was the inspiration behind the Sedona Method, had the catch phrase: “Take it for checking.” Bryon Katie, who developed the process The Work, frequently says, “I invite you not to believe me,” and Hale Dwoskin, CEO of the Sedona Method says, “Don’t believe a word I say.”

I invite you to do the same with this article, and every article or book you read. Try the processes suggested, and see what feels true for you. (This is not an invitation to call me a liar, but to look into your own experience.)

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Try a few processes and see which you enjoy the most. Many people find immense benefit from the Emotional Freedom Technique. I’ve tried it and found it bored me senseless, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the process or with me. Some techniques suit some people and some suit others.

I once went with my daughter’s school class on a visit to a Sikh temple. The class had Christian, Muslim, Jewish and non-religious children in it, but no Sikhs. The man who showed us around explained to the children that people of any religion or none were welcome in the temple. A mountain towers above our city, and there are many different paths to the top. Our host explained that just like this mountain, there are many different paths to God. The same is true for happiness, self-fulfilment, or peace.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Realise that with any new process there is likely to be an initial ‘honeymoon period’ when you feel excited by the changes that occur in your life. Think of that as similar to the weight a dieter rapidly loses when they start a new healthy eating plan. After a week or two the weight loss is less dramatic, but if the dieter keeps going the results will be steady. The same is true for any of the bona fide techniques for helping you to achieve a joyful life. It’s also very easy not to notice that you are changing, so it helps to keep a journal and note down your gains.

If, in the throes of the initial excitement, you try to persuade all your family and friends to join you in meditating, tapping, or howling to the moon, you could irritate a lot of people and end up feeling very alone. The person you think could most benefit, will probably be the person who is most resistant. (Believe me, I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. Except don’t believe me, go find out for yourself.)

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD

Tell your friends about it only if you are confident they’d like to know, or if they notice you are more peaceful, happy and fun to be around and ask to know your secret.

Many, many of the wiser teachers say that if you see some trait you don’t like in someone else, look inside and recognise that it is an aspect of yourself that you repress or deny.

How to beat yourself with this:

Notice that you don’t like that woman at your work/church/yoga class because she’s such a hypocrite and so bossy, and then scold yourself that this means you must be like that too, and vow to stop behaving that way from now on. Watch yourself constantly for signs of either trait and feel depressed and worthless when you spot them. Use common sayings such as, “I’m the pot calling the kettle black,” or, “I should remove the log in my eye before I remove the speck in my brothers,” to prove how hypocritical you are.

Or if you’d like to benefit from this wisdom:

Why the teachers actually suggest this is because when we recognize a repressed aspect of ourselves in others, we can welcome that aspect and forgive both ourselves and others for having this trait. This releases the stranglehold it has on us. More on how to do this will be in forthcoming articles.

Can there be anyone on this planet who hasn’t heard that forgiveness is the key to happiness? Every book, every article you read by New Age gurus or by old age religions, or even by teachers with no religion at all, say that to heal you must forgive.

Or do they?

No, not quite. What they say is that by forgiving you heal, that forgiveness is healing. What we add in when we use forgiveness to beat ourselves is: “MUST.”

It’s pretty difficult, not to mention unforgiving, to try to force yourself to forgive someone. Any truly effective process recognizes this and doesn’t try to force.

Forgiveness begins with acceptance of where you are at right now. You feel angry: then feel angry. Just don’t go out and murder someone because of it. Don’t even bother ranting at the person you’re angry with, as that has been shown to increase rather than decrease anger. But do allow the anger, and perhaps talk to someone not involved, or write it down. (More on what to do with what you’ve written will be in hub Number 3 of this series.) Since anger is probably the Number One taboo emotion in most societies, allowing it can, at first, feel overwhelming. But if you allow yourself to just feel it in your body it will dissipate. (Again don’t believe me, but try it for yourself.)

Here’s how to beat yourself with this one: You’ve just broken your leg, lost your job and your partner has walked out on you taking the beloved dog – now tell yourself that you are supposed to accept this.

And here’s how to be kind to yourself: notice that you are feeling totally miserable about this situation, and that you wish you could feel better – and accept that.

One more way to beat yourself is to pick a teacher, guru or even a long-dead saint, and tell yourself you should be like them, that you need to try to be like them, and that it’s never going to happen. Try to emulate them by quoting their phrases, even if (especially if ) you don’t really understand what they are saying.

I shall end with some words of wisdom from Byron Katie.

“Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.”

Or maybe that’s not quite the end, because, you could, if you like, even beat yourself up with those words of wisdom.

Here’s how: scold yourself for pretending to be more evolved than you are, for the quoting, for telling others how to live when you haven’t got everything in your life the way you want it yet.

And the kind way? The way to truly improve your quality of life? Just give yourself a little love as you are right now, or even a lot.

You are absolutely wonderful just as you are. Truly.